It is increasingly common that young people do not start their independent lives after finishing school, but live with their parents, continuing their childhood life.
What is behind this? What’s for it, what’s against it?
Let’s say a new acquaintance of ours mentions that there is some conflict at home with his little son in terms of housework and other tasks. During a longer conversation, it turns out that the little boy is 28 (-30-35-42..) years old. What could be the reason that nowadays young people increasingly choose to stay in their parent’s house, even while working?
Explanations for the hotel phenomenon
One explanation is the scarcity of financial opportunities. Subtenancy is really expensive. Often there is not enough money for buying an apartment. The starting salary is low.
Also, there are all the difficulties that mark the beginning of life. The child cannot take care of himself. How would he know if he can’t even find a job? He can’t cook, wash or clean. Going to the bank or to the doctor alone. What if he gets sick (catches a cold), who will take care of him?
Mamahotel does not only include free accommodation. It is usually a full-covered hotel service, i.e. accommodation, food, cleaning and full care in all respects. Is it justified? Not completely. Comfortable? At first glance, it seems so. But this seemingly comfortable situation hides several pitfalls.
What has changed in the new generation?
Childbearing was postponed. The more life experience someone has, the more cautious they are. Children are born to older, more experienced parents. They have better financial opportunities, they have experienced many things in their lives. They want the best for the children, they don’t want to “put them out in the cold”. However, this loving fear comes at a price.
A young person staying in a parent hotel does not have the opportunity to become independent. He cannot test himself in real life, with all its dangers and responsibilities. It might be difficult at first, he would live in a sublet, perhaps sharing it with others. He might also need to take a loan. However, all of this would encourage him to try to advance faster at work. Find a better job and get there with all his might. Learn to take care of himself and take responsibility for his things. Find a partner, or a relationship, and later start a family. If this happens in time, he will have a good chance to find himself not too old, with sufficient experience behind him, in a well-paid job with a good working relationship. The parent can’t shorten the path leading there with advice or help. The later this period begins, the more vulnerable and older the young person will be when he enters the real world. This proportionally reduces his own chances in terms of a career and starting a family.
What happens to the parents providing the hotel during the process? A significant part of the life of a parent raising a young person is spent focusing on raising and caring for their offspring. However, there are still many active, not very old years left. During this period, parents can finally focus on themselves and their relationship. It can be scary after many years of a different routine. Not only protecting the child but also changes in our own lives can hold us parents back from letting the young one out from under our wings. Many people identify the flight of children with old age or loneliness. However, the life of an adult is about much more than being considered finished when a new phase begins. Change is an opportunity: in your free time, you can focus on work, hobbies, relationships and, last but not least, self-fulfilment. The danger is the same as before: the later the start of this is postponed, the older the new system must be established. Less resources and energy remain to support ourselves and the child.
Because young people do not move to another planet when they start their independent life. If they need advice or help, the parent’s house will still be open to them.
And if it is difficult to confidently let go of the young people’s hands, couple and family therapists will help.