Mockery in kindergarten, school – the bullying phenomenon

Practically everyone has been through an abusive process  – as a participant. As a bully, as a victim, or as a bystander group. But what can be done to prevent or stop the process?

What is bullying? Everyone has known for a long time that some children (or even immature adults) like to do pranks on others. The purpose is to gain power in the group, to ensure dominance with the help of a target person at her expense. Many times the attacker uses humiliation as a confirmation of his own position.  It is a kind of prevention so that he himself does not become a victim in the group. This doesn’t erase anyone’s responsibility, especially not in the case of a long-lasting process.

According to the definition, bullying is a series of actions carried out over a longer period of time with harmful intent to the detriment of the other, in which the roles are not reversed. A bully is always a bully, a victim is always a victim. The essence of the process is the unbalanced balance of power. Equally important is the innocent-seeming audience, who also maintain the situation with their attention and avoidance of intervention.

Humiliation can take many forms: physical (fighting, pushing, forcing); verbal (teasing), and social (gossip, ostracism).

What makes someone abusive? According to research, in many cases, the attacker is also a child from a neglectful or abusive family, or a member of a family where a harsh, authoritarian parent is present. Often, the abusers were themselves victims of bullying in the past. It is also important to remove the bully from his role and teach him to channel the stress he is experiencing through other channels. According to some studies, the perpetrators can be dangerous even in adulthood (abuse within the family) and are more likely to go to prison.

What could be a risk factor for the target person? Many times the aggressor singles out someone who can be more easily distinguished in the eyes of the larger group, e.g. bespectacled, introverted, or lacks self-confidence.

And now we are at the two most important factors that perpetuate bullying. One of them is the victim’s long-term inadequate behaviour in relation to the abuse. A response that both the bully and the target consider inappropriate to interrupt the process. Both of them see this as a sign of surrender and submission. The other (equally important) maintaining condition is the presence of the “audience” and the lack of intervention. In such a situation, unfortunately, most bystanders do not dare to intervene, waiting for the other person or pointing, in fear that they themselves may become a victim, or because they feel incompetent in handling the situation. Not only kids but also teachers and unfortunately, sometimes even the victim’s parents fall into this role. The “never mind!” and “don’t peep!” answers do not help, they even help to maintain the process, and the victim only learns from it that he is alone and cannot count on anyone when there is a problem.

How can we prevent trouble? It is best to establish a strong, trusting relationship with the child before the preschool-school age. An atmosphere in which the child knows that she can tell the parent anything, and she will receive understanding and help. It is best to talk to the child about everything that interests her, at an age-appropriate level. The answer “You’re too young for that!” should be avoided. Especially the “it’s not appropriate to talk about it!” phrase. With this, we not only humiliate the curious child. We communicate that by asking the question she has already done something inappropriate (and she didn’t want to!), but we also cut ourselves off from the possibility that she will turn to us for advice next time. It is also important to teach her that she should not tolerate other people’s hurtful and humiliating behaviour towards her. In such a case, it is advisable to immediately defend herself (“You can’t talk to me like that!” “Your behaviour is very hurtful and immature!”) and tell an adult about the incident. If the teacher does not pay enough attention to what happened, it is worth taking the matter up, even to the director’s level.

How can we stop the process once it is underway? The victim should be encouraged to give an adequate response and to defend herself. It is important to know that the situation can be terminated at any time if one of the factors – the victim’s behaviour or the lack of intervention of the spectators – changes. It is definitely important to make the topic open in the community and deal with it with the involvement of adults. This can be in the context of a class teacher’s lesson if the class teacher is a partner and competent in this. Sometimes it is also useful to hold a lecture on this at the institutional level, e.g. organization of a thematic “day against abuse” at the school – with the involvement of experts.

If the victim or the perpetrator, or perhaps the entire family needs help in such a matter, family therapy is an ideal choice for dealing with the problems.