Living with parents as an adult

It is increasingly common that young people do not start their independent lives after finishing school, but live with their parents, continuing their childhood life.

What is behind this? What’s for it, what’s against it?

Let’s say a new acquaintance of ours mentions that there is some conflict at home with his little son in terms of housework and other tasks. During a longer conversation, it turns out that the little boy is 28 (-30-35-42..) years old. What could be the reason that nowadays young people increasingly choose to stay in their parent’s house, even while working?

Explanations for the hotel phenomenon

One explanation is the scarcity of financial opportunities. Subtenancy is really expensive. Often there is not enough money for buying an apartment. The starting salary is low.

Also, there are all the difficulties that mark the beginning of life. The child cannot take care of himself. How would he know if he can’t even find a job? He can’t cook, wash or clean. Going to the bank or to the doctor alone. What if he gets sick (catches a cold), who will take care of him?

Mamahotel does not only include free accommodation. It is usually a full-covered hotel service, i.e. accommodation, food, cleaning and full care in all respects. Is it justified? Not completely. Comfortable? At first glance, it seems so. But this seemingly comfortable situation hides several pitfalls.

What has changed in the new generation?

Childbearing was postponed. The more life experience someone has, the more cautious they are. Children are born to older, more experienced parents. They have better financial opportunities, they have experienced many things in their lives. They want the best for the children, they don’t want to “put them out in the cold”. However, this loving fear comes at a price.

A young person staying in a parent hotel does not have the opportunity to become independent. He cannot test himself in real life, with all its dangers and responsibilities. It might be difficult at first, he would live in a sublet, perhaps sharing it with others. He might also need to take a loan. However, all of this would encourage him to try to advance faster at work. Find a better job and get there with all his might. Learn to take care of himself and take responsibility for his things. Find a partner, or a relationship, and later start a family. If this happens in time, he will have a good chance to find himself not too old, with sufficient experience behind him, in a well-paid job with a good working relationship. The parent can’t shorten the path leading there with advice or help. The later this period begins, the more vulnerable and older the young person will be when he enters the real world. This proportionally reduces his own chances in terms of a career and starting a family.

What happens to the parents providing the hotel during the process? A significant part of the life of a parent raising a young person is spent focusing on raising and caring for their offspring. However, there are still many active, not very old years left. During this period, parents can finally focus on themselves and their relationship. It can be scary after many years of a different routine. Not only protecting the child but also changes in our own lives can hold us parents back from letting the young one out from under our wings. Many people identify the flight of children with old age or loneliness. However, the life of an adult is about much more than being considered finished when a new phase begins. Change is an opportunity: in your free time, you can focus on work, hobbies, relationships and, last but not least, self-fulfilment. The danger is the same as before: the later the start of this is postponed, the older the new system must be established. Less resources and energy remain to support ourselves and the child.

Because young people do not move to another planet when they start their independent life. If they need advice or help, the parent’s house will still be open to them.

And if it is difficult to confidently let go of the young people’s hands, couple and family therapists will help.

Forming a new relationship with children from a former partner

The end of a relationship can be very traumatic and difficult for both adults and children. What can we expect when forming a new relationship? What should we pay attention to from the beginning?

The formation of a new couple is a positive development. However, the situation can become complicated between the children from the previous relationship and the new partner.

Ideally, the new partner (and their children) will be introduced to the children gradually. It is more ideal to wait for the seemingly stable, established relationship phase with this step. As a result, the children are not exposed to another, possibly traumatic loss after a short connection. This does not mean that a partner should be kept a secret during the dating phase. It is worth talking about it at a level appropriate to the child’s age after the first couple of meetings. For example: “I met someone, we’re meeting now, I don’t know how things will turn out yet. You will get to know him a little later.” It is not recommended to involve the child in the details of the relationship or conflicts or to treat the child as a partner or consultant.  This also applies to older children. A child is a child because he has the right to a childhood free of adult problems. It is not his job and responsibility to participate in or give advice on adult relationship matters. If this happens, the child loses an important part of his childhood, he becomes parentified. And this can lead to serious, hard-to-repair problems later in all areas of his life. The “I am my child’s best friend” situation is tempting, but also disadvantageous for the child. A parent should be a parent and a child should be a child. This gives the little ones a sense of security and does not preclude a confidential, loving relationship between the two of them. The child should not take part in the affairs of adults – conflicts in relationships or at work. It is possible to talk about everything in broad terms. For example “I’m tired because there are difficulties at work. But I will solve them.” It is not advisable to involve the child in the details, even if he asks or requests.

It is ideal if the new partner is introduced gradually. This way, the child has time to slowly get to know the person. In this way, he experiences his own feelings and adapts to the new situation. If the new partner has children, it is worth introducing the partner first (and verbally saying that they have children too). The first meeting should never be longer than an hour or two, helping to process the new experiences. The following meetings can gradually become longer and longer, and later a joint program with the children on the other side, and so on. For example, it should be specifically avoided to introduce a new partner when he is moving in. This is because then the child wouldn’t have time to process his feelings and ask questions. He would have to adapt immediately to a stranger, with whom he has not yet established a relationship, and the rules are not laid down. In this situation, later conflicts are contained. If you are planning to move in together, it is worthwhile to prepare the child for this gradually, by talking to him several times (however, he should not make the decision!).

When it comes to moving in together: it is worthwhile to discuss and lay down the rules of the new joint family in advance. Changes occur in the lives of all parties. Everyone’s things will have to be done in a different way than usual. It won’t be easy. Who will do the housework and how much? How are material things distributed? How much time does the couple spend with each other and how much with the children? What kind of role will the adults have in child-rearing? How will the conflicts be resolved? This may seem a bit dry and pragmatic, especially in the first “pink” period… But in the long run, this initial discussion will pay off. It can also be seen as a rehearsal for later discussions between the couple, before moving in together.

Creating rules, and some general advice works well for most couples. There is no right recipe that works for every family. However, some simple considerations can help to balance the roles. This increases cooperation between the parties and helps harmonious coexistence.

  1. Parents make the rules – together

This does not mean, of course, that children’s wishes cannot be taken into account. However, it is important that the final decision is made by the adults, using the perspectives of both (three, four…) parties. This can be a longer negotiation process. The main thing is that everyone gets something they want as a result. Perhaps if one rule prefers the interests of one party, the other rule may favour the other. The key word is hierarchy (adults decide) and equality. If one party always decides, the other party will feel that he/she is not taken into account. And the party making the rules will complain that everything is her/his decision and responsibility.

  1. It is better to share everything – at least to a small extent

Nowadays, in most households, both parties work. Both parties have a need for rest and relaxation. If household tasks are shared between the parties, they get everything done twice as quickly and have more time for each other. The situation is different if one party works at home as a full-time parent. However, even in this case, it is lucky to help the other party with things around the household. The work done at home is not limited to eight hours a day, and the work will not stop at the end of the day. Moreover, the tighter shift usually starts when the family is together at the end of the day or weekends. In financial matters, it is also lucky if there is a common part. Not all couples are in such deep agreement at the beginning that they can manage their entire fortune together. However, a completely divided budget leads to many conflicts. As an intermediate solution, it is conceivable that both parties give an equal part of their salary, let’s say half, to a joint fund, from which things are covered according to the agreement, e.g. food, things related to the household, or perhaps the children who live with them. All solutions are good beyond that, which both parties are really satisfied with in the long run.

  1. Positioning the other party as a parent

When two adults move in together with children, they form a mosaic family. In the family, both the parent and their partner play a parental role. It is very important that the couple treat each other this way from the beginning and consistently inform the child regarding this the same. There may be disagreements. Coming from different families, the child-rearing habits are different. Sometimes the other party brings up the child in a different way than the biological parent used to, in matters not previously agreed upon. However, it is important to see that everyone lives under the same roof, together they form a family. For this reason, it is important that the other party also has the opportunity to take their role out of parental duties. It is self-defeating to question the other party’s parenting method in front of the child. This undermines parental authority. The child’s respect decreases and a hostile relationship develops between the child and the new couple. Unfortunately, this also leads to conflicts in the relationship. If there is a difference in the issue of child-rearing, it is worth discussing it between the two of you, in a way that is not audible to the child.

  1. Together under the new roof

It is most ideal if the new family moves to a new residence together which is covered jointly if possible. This helps to avoid the “my house is my castle” trap in the long run. The trap is to consider that a new member should live according to the rules of the house and not according to a new jointly created system. If this is not possible, then it is definitely worth sitting down at the beginning of the new life together and discussing who brings what to this relationship and what they expect from the other.

+1 Redesign, Redesign, Redesign….

The formation of harmonious coexistence in a new mosaic family takes 3-5 years in the shortest case (in the longer case it can be up to 10 years…). One should not expect too much from the situation in a short time. It is not expected that – as in the romantic beginning of a relationship – everything will be great immediately after moving in together. There will be conflicts rooted in different family patterns, different habits, and traumas from a previous relationship(s). That’s okay, it’s part of the normal grinding process. It is worth seeing that a conflict always means the emergence of an essential problem. This is why it can finally be solved – now that it is on the surface – by creating new common rules. The goal is not to end conflicts, but to effectively solve emerging problems. And for this, it is necessary to develop new habits and systems.

In short, it is possible to have separate cash registers under one roof, with children raised separately, but it is less like a family. It’s more like being locked up with strangers. In such a situation, cohesion is more difficult and it is more difficult to be united when solving difficulties. However, if you can sit down with each other and create new rules when the old ones no longer work, the system will work well and go on its way.

And if this is not possible without external help, family and couple therapists are also there to help.

Housekeeping, parenting – whose responsibility?

If we take a closer look, society has not changed as much in the last thousand years as it has in the last three generations. Gender roles fundamentally changed, and this became the source of many tensions between generations and genders.

In the time of our great-grandparents, with few exceptions, the man worked at his workplace, the woman raised the children at home, ran the household, and took care of keeping in touch with relatives (birthdays, name days). It was also her task to carry out emotional work in the family (empathy, and care). On the other hand, the man was expected not to show his emotions – and not to talk about them either. The man’s role in the household was minimal. He also took part in the upbringing of the child, probably from his older age (age 6-7) and to a lesser extent. Not only was he excluded from these tasks, but it was also considered unmanly if he wished to have a greater part of them.

During the time of our grandparents, many things changed as a result of the Second World War and socialism. Women started to work. This resulted in a more profound change in society than anything before (including women getting the right to vote). The family’s work and free time schedule have been fundamentally reorganized in terms of everyday life. In the short term (within one or two generations), this only resulted in women getting the opportunity to work in addition to their other duties.

In the age of our parents, women’s employment became less of an option and more of an expectation of society. After that came a rightful demand of women that if both adults of the family work full-time, the household management and child-rearing should be equally shared. Social roles don’t change as fast as history. Even with the additional task, the men were not allowed to talk about difficulties or their feelings. Tensions have already appeared here due to the rearrangement of roles; but the involvement of grandparents was a great help in raising children, which was a natural and expected phenomenon in society at that time.

By the time our generation grew up, women started to have their children at an older age. Our parents had their first child around the age of 25. Nowadays, the birth of the first child often takes place at the age of 35. In the past, parents could justifiably count on the help of their 45-year-old, still active, healthy parents with their children. It is more difficult for us to ask for help from our parents over 60, sometimes not in perfect health, but often still working. In addition, getting up every night at the age of 35-40 and lifting children weighing 10-20 kg is quite different than at the age of 25.

So what happened? Women started working. Men were gradually expected to participate in the household and raise children. At the same time, it started to become accepted, and even more and more there is a demand on the part of the partner for the man to express his emotions and participate in the emotional work of the family. Grandparents are less clearly expected to participate in raising children or provide help.

For the most part, couples were left alone with childbearing undertaken at a later age and thus more physically demanding. At this older age, 35-40 years old, their task is to take care of young children and ageing parents at the same time. In the best case, in addition to working together, household and child-rearing tasks are equally shared among themselves. If everything goes well, they can also talk about who has what kind of burden and how will they solve the difficulties together. In a less fortunate case, due to the outdated classic family model, the increased burden falls on one member of the couple, and the emotional burden may fall on the other without help. This unbalanced situation does not have a positive effect on the quality of the relationship.

Fortunately, it is never too late to change. Every situation and human relationship can be redesigned and transformed at any moment – if both parties have the will to do so. Couples therapy is an excellent option for handling the problems that arise due to the reasons above.

Mockery in kindergarten, school – the bullying phenomenon

Practically everyone has been through an abusive process  – as a participant. As a bully, as a victim, or as a bystander group. But what can be done to prevent or stop the process?

What is bullying? Everyone has known for a long time that some children (or even immature adults) like to do pranks on others. The purpose is to gain power in the group, to ensure dominance with the help of a target person at her expense. Many times the attacker uses humiliation as a confirmation of his own position.  It is a kind of prevention so that he himself does not become a victim in the group. This doesn’t erase anyone’s responsibility, especially not in the case of a long-lasting process.

According to the definition, bullying is a series of actions carried out over a longer period of time with harmful intent to the detriment of the other, in which the roles are not reversed. A bully is always a bully, a victim is always a victim. The essence of the process is the unbalanced balance of power. Equally important is the innocent-seeming audience, who also maintain the situation with their attention and avoidance of intervention.

Humiliation can take many forms: physical (fighting, pushing, forcing); verbal (teasing), and social (gossip, ostracism).

What makes someone abusive? According to research, in many cases, the attacker is also a child from a neglectful or abusive family, or a member of a family where a harsh, authoritarian parent is present. Often, the abusers were themselves victims of bullying in the past. It is also important to remove the bully from his role and teach him to channel the stress he is experiencing through other channels. According to some studies, the perpetrators can be dangerous even in adulthood (abuse within the family) and are more likely to go to prison.

What could be a risk factor for the target person? Many times the aggressor singles out someone who can be more easily distinguished in the eyes of the larger group, e.g. bespectacled, introverted, or lacks self-confidence.

And now we are at the two most important factors that perpetuate bullying. One of them is the victim’s long-term inadequate behaviour in relation to the abuse. A response that both the bully and the target consider inappropriate to interrupt the process. Both of them see this as a sign of surrender and submission. The other (equally important) maintaining condition is the presence of the “audience” and the lack of intervention. In such a situation, unfortunately, most bystanders do not dare to intervene, waiting for the other person or pointing, in fear that they themselves may become a victim, or because they feel incompetent in handling the situation. Not only kids but also teachers and unfortunately, sometimes even the victim’s parents fall into this role. The “never mind!” and “don’t peep!” answers do not help, they even help to maintain the process, and the victim only learns from it that he is alone and cannot count on anyone when there is a problem.

How can we prevent trouble? It is best to establish a strong, trusting relationship with the child before the preschool-school age. An atmosphere in which the child knows that she can tell the parent anything, and she will receive understanding and help. It is best to talk to the child about everything that interests her, at an age-appropriate level. The answer “You’re too young for that!” should be avoided. Especially the “it’s not appropriate to talk about it!” phrase. With this, we not only humiliate the curious child. We communicate that by asking the question she has already done something inappropriate (and she didn’t want to!), but we also cut ourselves off from the possibility that she will turn to us for advice next time. It is also important to teach her that she should not tolerate other people’s hurtful and humiliating behaviour towards her. In such a case, it is advisable to immediately defend herself (“You can’t talk to me like that!” “Your behaviour is very hurtful and immature!”) and tell an adult about the incident. If the teacher does not pay enough attention to what happened, it is worth taking the matter up, even to the director’s level.

How can we stop the process once it is underway? The victim should be encouraged to give an adequate response and to defend herself. It is important to know that the situation can be terminated at any time if one of the factors – the victim’s behaviour or the lack of intervention of the spectators – changes. It is definitely important to make the topic open in the community and deal with it with the involvement of adults. This can be in the context of a class teacher’s lesson if the class teacher is a partner and competent in this. Sometimes it is also useful to hold a lecture on this at the institutional level, e.g. organization of a thematic “day against abuse” at the school – with the involvement of experts.

If the victim or the perpetrator, or perhaps the entire family needs help in such a matter, family therapy is an ideal choice for dealing with the problems.

The child does not want to give a kiss

Many parents consider it a problem if the child does not like to give kisses to everyone. This is really a very important point in the formation of the child’s worldview. However, this is a much deeper question than we might think at first.

What does it mean (regardless of age) to give or receive a kiss? To greet someone in a way that lets them into our immediate environment, our intimate sphere. However, there are countless other ways of greeting people. In the Far East, they bow in formal greetings or just nod their heads. In the West, a formal greeting is a handshake. In the United States, they often hug each other at this time. And in Hungary, people in close relationships can kiss each other.

But how do small children greet each other? This is completely different. Sometimes they look at each other for half a minute and then start playing together. Little babies swing what they have in their hands or wave with their hands. Older children say hi to each other. Children almost never kiss each other as a greeting.

We can ask ourselves why we want our child to choose a kiss to greet certain people we have chosen? Who could be a relative whom the child rarely sees and has no direct contact with? We would like to express our close relationship to that person. But does the child feel the same close connection to that person? And if not, does he have the right to decide whether he chooses hello or kiss as a greeting? Could it cause trouble if we decide this instead of him?

The child learns throughout his childhood. And not just what we want him to learn. He absorbs everything he sees around him. One of the deepest levels of learning is socialization, the way people communicate. The child does not learn this consciously and with understanding, but the patterns and expectations are fixed in him subconsciously. A kiss means I let someone into my personal space. If I have to give/receive kisses when I don’t want to, it means that I occasionally have to let someone I don’t want into my personal space if an important person wants me to. And learning this pattern can be very dangerous. It can give space to authoritative persons, priests, teachers, and coaches to violate the child’s personal space. At best, it’s “just” a slap on the butt that he thinks he should allow.

It can be a good solution if we use the “you make decisions about your body/personal space” model from the beginning. It is not too late to start this at an older age. Fortunately, children are constantly learning, it’s never too late to change our patterns and attitudes. If we consistently adapt to the new method from then on, the child will consider it (as the last example) his own.

And everyone the child greets can be kindly told that this is how he likes to say hello. Equally important is our own mental stability in the face of an outdated or harmful social expectation.