If we take a closer look, society has not changed as much in the last thousand years as it has in the last three generations. Gender roles fundamentally changed, and this became the source of many tensions between generations and genders.
In the time of our great-grandparents, with few exceptions, the man worked at his workplace, the woman raised the children at home, ran the household, and took care of keeping in touch with relatives (birthdays, name days). It was also her task to carry out emotional work in the family (empathy, and care). On the other hand, the man was expected not to show his emotions – and not to talk about them either. The man’s role in the household was minimal. He also took part in the upbringing of the child, probably from his older age (age 6-7) and to a lesser extent. Not only was he excluded from these tasks, but it was also considered unmanly if he wished to have a greater part of them.
During the time of our grandparents, many things changed as a result of the Second World War and socialism. Women started to work. This resulted in a more profound change in society than anything before (including women getting the right to vote). The family’s work and free time schedule have been fundamentally reorganized in terms of everyday life. In the short term (within one or two generations), this only resulted in women getting the opportunity to work in addition to their other duties.
In the age of our parents, women’s employment became less of an option and more of an expectation of society. After that came a rightful demand of women that if both adults of the family work full-time, the household management and child-rearing should be equally shared. Social roles don’t change as fast as history. Even with the additional task, the men were not allowed to talk about difficulties or their feelings. Tensions have already appeared here due to the rearrangement of roles; but the involvement of grandparents was a great help in raising children, which was a natural and expected phenomenon in society at that time.
By the time our generation grew up, women started to have their children at an older age. Our parents had their first child around the age of 25. Nowadays, the birth of the first child often takes place at the age of 35. In the past, parents could justifiably count on the help of their 45-year-old, still active, healthy parents with their children. It is more difficult for us to ask for help from our parents over 60, sometimes not in perfect health, but often still working. In addition, getting up every night at the age of 35-40 and lifting children weighing 10-20 kg is quite different than at the age of 25.
So what happened? Women started working. Men were gradually expected to participate in the household and raise children. At the same time, it started to become accepted, and even more and more there is a demand on the part of the partner for the man to express his emotions and participate in the emotional work of the family. Grandparents are less clearly expected to participate in raising children or provide help.
For the most part, couples were left alone with childbearing undertaken at a later age and thus more physically demanding. At this older age, 35-40 years old, their task is to take care of young children and ageing parents at the same time. In the best case, in addition to working together, household and child-rearing tasks are equally shared among themselves. If everything goes well, they can also talk about who has what kind of burden and how will they solve the difficulties together. In a less fortunate case, due to the outdated classic family model, the increased burden falls on one member of the couple, and the emotional burden may fall on the other without help. This unbalanced situation does not have a positive effect on the quality of the relationship.
Fortunately, it is never too late to change. Every situation and human relationship can be redesigned and transformed at any moment – if both parties have the will to do so. Couples therapy is an excellent option for handling the problems that arise due to the reasons above.