Forming a new relationship with children from a former partner

The end of a relationship can be very traumatic and difficult for both adults and children. What can we expect when forming a new relationship? What should we pay attention to from the beginning?

The formation of a new couple is a positive development. However, the situation can become complicated between the children from the previous relationship and the new partner.

Ideally, the new partner (and their children) will be introduced to the children gradually. It is more ideal to wait for the seemingly stable, established relationship phase with this step. As a result, the children are not exposed to another, possibly traumatic loss after a short connection. This does not mean that a partner should be kept a secret during the dating phase. It is worth talking about it at a level appropriate to the child’s age after the first couple of meetings. For example: “I met someone, we’re meeting now, I don’t know how things will turn out yet. You will get to know him a little later.” It is not recommended to involve the child in the details of the relationship or conflicts or to treat the child as a partner or consultant.  This also applies to older children. A child is a child because he has the right to a childhood free of adult problems. It is not his job and responsibility to participate in or give advice on adult relationship matters. If this happens, the child loses an important part of his childhood, he becomes parentified. And this can lead to serious, hard-to-repair problems later in all areas of his life. The “I am my child’s best friend” situation is tempting, but also disadvantageous for the child. A parent should be a parent and a child should be a child. This gives the little ones a sense of security and does not preclude a confidential, loving relationship between the two of them. The child should not take part in the affairs of adults – conflicts in relationships or at work. It is possible to talk about everything in broad terms. For example “I’m tired because there are difficulties at work. But I will solve them.” It is not advisable to involve the child in the details, even if he asks or requests.

It is ideal if the new partner is introduced gradually. This way, the child has time to slowly get to know the person. In this way, he experiences his own feelings and adapts to the new situation. If the new partner has children, it is worth introducing the partner first (and verbally saying that they have children too). The first meeting should never be longer than an hour or two, helping to process the new experiences. The following meetings can gradually become longer and longer, and later a joint program with the children on the other side, and so on. For example, it should be specifically avoided to introduce a new partner when he is moving in. This is because then the child wouldn’t have time to process his feelings and ask questions. He would have to adapt immediately to a stranger, with whom he has not yet established a relationship, and the rules are not laid down. In this situation, later conflicts are contained. If you are planning to move in together, it is worthwhile to prepare the child for this gradually, by talking to him several times (however, he should not make the decision!).

When it comes to moving in together: it is worthwhile to discuss and lay down the rules of the new joint family in advance. Changes occur in the lives of all parties. Everyone’s things will have to be done in a different way than usual. It won’t be easy. Who will do the housework and how much? How are material things distributed? How much time does the couple spend with each other and how much with the children? What kind of role will the adults have in child-rearing? How will the conflicts be resolved? This may seem a bit dry and pragmatic, especially in the first “pink” period… But in the long run, this initial discussion will pay off. It can also be seen as a rehearsal for later discussions between the couple, before moving in together.

Creating rules, and some general advice works well for most couples. There is no right recipe that works for every family. However, some simple considerations can help to balance the roles. This increases cooperation between the parties and helps harmonious coexistence.

  1. Parents make the rules – together

This does not mean, of course, that children’s wishes cannot be taken into account. However, it is important that the final decision is made by the adults, using the perspectives of both (three, four…) parties. This can be a longer negotiation process. The main thing is that everyone gets something they want as a result. Perhaps if one rule prefers the interests of one party, the other rule may favour the other. The key word is hierarchy (adults decide) and equality. If one party always decides, the other party will feel that he/she is not taken into account. And the party making the rules will complain that everything is her/his decision and responsibility.

  1. It is better to share everything – at least to a small extent

Nowadays, in most households, both parties work. Both parties have a need for rest and relaxation. If household tasks are shared between the parties, they get everything done twice as quickly and have more time for each other. The situation is different if one party works at home as a full-time parent. However, even in this case, it is lucky to help the other party with things around the household. The work done at home is not limited to eight hours a day, and the work will not stop at the end of the day. Moreover, the tighter shift usually starts when the family is together at the end of the day or weekends. In financial matters, it is also lucky if there is a common part. Not all couples are in such deep agreement at the beginning that they can manage their entire fortune together. However, a completely divided budget leads to many conflicts. As an intermediate solution, it is conceivable that both parties give an equal part of their salary, let’s say half, to a joint fund, from which things are covered according to the agreement, e.g. food, things related to the household, or perhaps the children who live with them. All solutions are good beyond that, which both parties are really satisfied with in the long run.

  1. Positioning the other party as a parent

When two adults move in together with children, they form a mosaic family. In the family, both the parent and their partner play a parental role. It is very important that the couple treat each other this way from the beginning and consistently inform the child regarding this the same. There may be disagreements. Coming from different families, the child-rearing habits are different. Sometimes the other party brings up the child in a different way than the biological parent used to, in matters not previously agreed upon. However, it is important to see that everyone lives under the same roof, together they form a family. For this reason, it is important that the other party also has the opportunity to take their role out of parental duties. It is self-defeating to question the other party’s parenting method in front of the child. This undermines parental authority. The child’s respect decreases and a hostile relationship develops between the child and the new couple. Unfortunately, this also leads to conflicts in the relationship. If there is a difference in the issue of child-rearing, it is worth discussing it between the two of you, in a way that is not audible to the child.

  1. Together under the new roof

It is most ideal if the new family moves to a new residence together which is covered jointly if possible. This helps to avoid the “my house is my castle” trap in the long run. The trap is to consider that a new member should live according to the rules of the house and not according to a new jointly created system. If this is not possible, then it is definitely worth sitting down at the beginning of the new life together and discussing who brings what to this relationship and what they expect from the other.

+1 Redesign, Redesign, Redesign….

The formation of harmonious coexistence in a new mosaic family takes 3-5 years in the shortest case (in the longer case it can be up to 10 years…). One should not expect too much from the situation in a short time. It is not expected that – as in the romantic beginning of a relationship – everything will be great immediately after moving in together. There will be conflicts rooted in different family patterns, different habits, and traumas from a previous relationship(s). That’s okay, it’s part of the normal grinding process. It is worth seeing that a conflict always means the emergence of an essential problem. This is why it can finally be solved – now that it is on the surface – by creating new common rules. The goal is not to end conflicts, but to effectively solve emerging problems. And for this, it is necessary to develop new habits and systems.

In short, it is possible to have separate cash registers under one roof, with children raised separately, but it is less like a family. It’s more like being locked up with strangers. In such a situation, cohesion is more difficult and it is more difficult to be united when solving difficulties. However, if you can sit down with each other and create new rules when the old ones no longer work, the system will work well and go on its way.

And if this is not possible without external help, family and couple therapists are also there to help.