The child does not want to give a kiss

Many parents consider it a problem if the child does not like to give kisses to everyone. This is really a very important point in the formation of the child’s worldview. However, this is a much deeper question than we might think at first.

What does it mean (regardless of age) to give or receive a kiss? To greet someone in a way that lets them into our immediate environment, our intimate sphere. However, there are countless other ways of greeting people. In the Far East, they bow in formal greetings or just nod their heads. In the West, a formal greeting is a handshake. In the United States, they often hug each other at this time. And in Hungary, people in close relationships can kiss each other.

But how do small children greet each other? This is completely different. Sometimes they look at each other for half a minute and then start playing together. Little babies swing what they have in their hands or wave with their hands. Older children say hi to each other. Children almost never kiss each other as a greeting.

We can ask ourselves why we want our child to choose a kiss to greet certain people we have chosen? Who could be a relative whom the child rarely sees and has no direct contact with? We would like to express our close relationship to that person. But does the child feel the same close connection to that person? And if not, does he have the right to decide whether he chooses hello or kiss as a greeting? Could it cause trouble if we decide this instead of him?

The child learns throughout his childhood. And not just what we want him to learn. He absorbs everything he sees around him. One of the deepest levels of learning is socialization, the way people communicate. The child does not learn this consciously and with understanding, but the patterns and expectations are fixed in him subconsciously. A kiss means I let someone into my personal space. If I have to give/receive kisses when I don’t want to, it means that I occasionally have to let someone I don’t want into my personal space if an important person wants me to. And learning this pattern can be very dangerous. It can give space to authoritative persons, priests, teachers, and coaches to violate the child’s personal space. At best, it’s “just” a slap on the butt that he thinks he should allow.

It can be a good solution if we use the “you make decisions about your body/personal space” model from the beginning. It is not too late to start this at an older age. Fortunately, children are constantly learning, it’s never too late to change our patterns and attitudes. If we consistently adapt to the new method from then on, the child will consider it (as the last example) his own.

And everyone the child greets can be kindly told that this is how he likes to say hello. Equally important is our own mental stability in the face of an outdated or harmful social expectation.