Category: children

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Living with parents as an adult

It is increasingly common that young people do not start their independent lives after finishing school, but live with their parents, continuing their childhood life.

What is behind this? What’s for it, what’s against it?

Let’s say a new acquaintance of ours mentions that there is some conflict at home with his little son in terms of housework and other tasks. During a longer conversation, it turns out that the little boy is 28 (-30-35-42..) years old. What could be the reason that nowadays young people increasingly choose to stay in their parent’s house, even while working?

Explanations for the hotel phenomenon

One explanation is the scarcity of financial opportunities. Subtenancy is really expensive. Often there is not enough money for buying an apartment. The starting salary is low.

Also, there are all the difficulties that mark the beginning of life. The child cannot take care of himself. How would he know if he can’t even find a job? He can’t cook, wash or clean. Going to the bank or to the doctor alone. What if he gets sick (catches a cold), who will take care of him?

Mamahotel does not only include free accommodation. It is usually a full-covered hotel service, i.e. accommodation, food, cleaning and full care in all respects. Is it justified? Not completely. Comfortable? At first glance, it seems so. But this seemingly comfortable situation hides several pitfalls.

What has changed in the new generation?

Childbearing was postponed. The more life experience someone has, the more cautious they are. Children are born to older, more experienced parents. They have better financial opportunities, they have experienced many things in their lives. They want the best for the children, they don’t want to “put them out in the cold”. However, this loving fear comes at a price.

A young person staying in a parent hotel does not have the opportunity to become independent. He cannot test himself in real life, with all its dangers and responsibilities. It might be difficult at first, he would live in a sublet, perhaps sharing it with others. He might also need to take a loan. However, all of this would encourage him to try to advance faster at work. Find a better job and get there with all his might. Learn to take care of himself and take responsibility for his things. Find a partner, or a relationship, and later start a family. If this happens in time, he will have a good chance to find himself not too old, with sufficient experience behind him, in a well-paid job with a good working relationship. The parent can’t shorten the path leading there with advice or help. The later this period begins, the more vulnerable and older the young person will be when he enters the real world. This proportionally reduces his own chances in terms of a career and starting a family.

What happens to the parents providing the hotel during the process? A significant part of the life of a parent raising a young person is spent focusing on raising and caring for their offspring. However, there are still many active, not very old years left. During this period, parents can finally focus on themselves and their relationship. It can be scary after many years of a different routine. Not only protecting the child but also changes in our own lives can hold us parents back from letting the young one out from under our wings. Many people identify the flight of children with old age or loneliness. However, the life of an adult is about much more than being considered finished when a new phase begins. Change is an opportunity: in your free time, you can focus on work, hobbies, relationships and, last but not least, self-fulfilment. The danger is the same as before: the later the start of this is postponed, the older the new system must be established. Less resources and energy remain to support ourselves and the child.

Because young people do not move to another planet when they start their independent life. If they need advice or help, the parent’s house will still be open to them.

And if it is difficult to confidently let go of the young people’s hands, couple and family therapists will help.

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Mockery in kindergarten, school – the bullying phenomenon

Practically everyone has been through an abusive process  – as a participant. As a bully, as a victim, or as a bystander group. But what can be done to prevent or stop the process?

What is bullying? Everyone has known for a long time that some children (or even immature adults) like to do pranks on others. The purpose is to gain power in the group, to ensure dominance with the help of a target person at her expense. Many times the attacker uses humiliation as a confirmation of his own position.  It is a kind of prevention so that he himself does not become a victim in the group. This doesn’t erase anyone’s responsibility, especially not in the case of a long-lasting process.

According to the definition, bullying is a series of actions carried out over a longer period of time with harmful intent to the detriment of the other, in which the roles are not reversed. A bully is always a bully, a victim is always a victim. The essence of the process is the unbalanced balance of power. Equally important is the innocent-seeming audience, who also maintain the situation with their attention and avoidance of intervention.

Humiliation can take many forms: physical (fighting, pushing, forcing); verbal (teasing), and social (gossip, ostracism).

What makes someone abusive? According to research, in many cases, the attacker is also a child from a neglectful or abusive family, or a member of a family where a harsh, authoritarian parent is present. Often, the abusers were themselves victims of bullying in the past. It is also important to remove the bully from his role and teach him to channel the stress he is experiencing through other channels. According to some studies, the perpetrators can be dangerous even in adulthood (abuse within the family) and are more likely to go to prison.

What could be a risk factor for the target person? Many times the aggressor singles out someone who can be more easily distinguished in the eyes of the larger group, e.g. bespectacled, introverted, or lacks self-confidence.

And now we are at the two most important factors that perpetuate bullying. One of them is the victim’s long-term inadequate behaviour in relation to the abuse. A response that both the bully and the target consider inappropriate to interrupt the process. Both of them see this as a sign of surrender and submission. The other (equally important) maintaining condition is the presence of the “audience” and the lack of intervention. In such a situation, unfortunately, most bystanders do not dare to intervene, waiting for the other person or pointing, in fear that they themselves may become a victim, or because they feel incompetent in handling the situation. Not only kids but also teachers and unfortunately, sometimes even the victim’s parents fall into this role. The “never mind!” and “don’t peep!” answers do not help, they even help to maintain the process, and the victim only learns from it that he is alone and cannot count on anyone when there is a problem.

How can we prevent trouble? It is best to establish a strong, trusting relationship with the child before the preschool-school age. An atmosphere in which the child knows that she can tell the parent anything, and she will receive understanding and help. It is best to talk to the child about everything that interests her, at an age-appropriate level. The answer “You’re too young for that!” should be avoided. Especially the “it’s not appropriate to talk about it!” phrase. With this, we not only humiliate the curious child. We communicate that by asking the question she has already done something inappropriate (and she didn’t want to!), but we also cut ourselves off from the possibility that she will turn to us for advice next time. It is also important to teach her that she should not tolerate other people’s hurtful and humiliating behaviour towards her. In such a case, it is advisable to immediately defend herself (“You can’t talk to me like that!” “Your behaviour is very hurtful and immature!”) and tell an adult about the incident. If the teacher does not pay enough attention to what happened, it is worth taking the matter up, even to the director’s level.

How can we stop the process once it is underway? The victim should be encouraged to give an adequate response and to defend herself. It is important to know that the situation can be terminated at any time if one of the factors – the victim’s behaviour or the lack of intervention of the spectators – changes. It is definitely important to make the topic open in the community and deal with it with the involvement of adults. This can be in the context of a class teacher’s lesson if the class teacher is a partner and competent in this. Sometimes it is also useful to hold a lecture on this at the institutional level, e.g. organization of a thematic “day against abuse” at the school – with the involvement of experts.

If the victim or the perpetrator, or perhaps the entire family needs help in such a matter, family therapy is an ideal choice for dealing with the problems.

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The child does not want to give a kiss

Many parents consider it a problem if the child does not like to give kisses to everyone. This is really a very important point in the formation of the child’s worldview. However, this is a much deeper question than we might think at first.

What does it mean (regardless of age) to give or receive a kiss? To greet someone in a way that lets them into our immediate environment, our intimate sphere. However, there are countless other ways of greeting people. In the Far East, they bow in formal greetings or just nod their heads. In the West, a formal greeting is a handshake. In the United States, they often hug each other at this time. And in Hungary, people in close relationships can kiss each other.

But how do small children greet each other? This is completely different. Sometimes they look at each other for half a minute and then start playing together. Little babies swing what they have in their hands or wave with their hands. Older children say hi to each other. Children almost never kiss each other as a greeting.

We can ask ourselves why we want our child to choose a kiss to greet certain people we have chosen? Who could be a relative whom the child rarely sees and has no direct contact with? We would like to express our close relationship to that person. But does the child feel the same close connection to that person? And if not, does he have the right to decide whether he chooses hello or kiss as a greeting? Could it cause trouble if we decide this instead of him?

The child learns throughout his childhood. And not just what we want him to learn. He absorbs everything he sees around him. One of the deepest levels of learning is socialization, the way people communicate. The child does not learn this consciously and with understanding, but the patterns and expectations are fixed in him subconsciously. A kiss means I let someone into my personal space. If I have to give/receive kisses when I don’t want to, it means that I occasionally have to let someone I don’t want into my personal space if an important person wants me to. And learning this pattern can be very dangerous. It can give space to authoritative persons, priests, teachers, and coaches to violate the child’s personal space. At best, it’s “just” a slap on the butt that he thinks he should allow.

It can be a good solution if we use the “you make decisions about your body/personal space” model from the beginning. It is not too late to start this at an older age. Fortunately, children are constantly learning, it’s never too late to change our patterns and attitudes. If we consistently adapt to the new method from then on, the child will consider it (as the last example) his own.

And everyone the child greets can be kindly told that this is how he likes to say hello. Equally important is our own mental stability in the face of an outdated or harmful social expectation.